I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
