My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
