Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
