threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
