mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
