Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
