New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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