please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
