watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
