I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
