Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
