Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
