i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
