If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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