Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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