Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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