Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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