Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
