His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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