I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize