You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
