The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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