My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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