So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
