My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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