Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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