No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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