I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
