I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize