The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
