Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
