remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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