I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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