May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
