Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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