im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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