When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
