he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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