he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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