Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
