the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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