I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
