So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
