Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
