they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm both gender and math confused
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
