people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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