i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
