I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
did i just pee glitter
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
