sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
