Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
