saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Found the puke drawer
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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