the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
