Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
