I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she peed on how many people?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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