I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
