I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
