Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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