I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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