i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
