Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
