Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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