I think I won the penis lottery.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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