We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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