just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
