I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
