There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize