Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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