either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
