Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
