Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There r osticjed everywhere
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
