just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
